tbt to the (first) time i accidentally did bath salts

by Nicole Delcore

october 02: last night: took a point at 2:30 felt nothing did another at 3:30 felt nothing did another at 4:30 felt

nothing. facetimed with nicole. missed her so much. virtually and formally introduced her to august. ate a cherry

ring pop. talked to august for a few hours. called nicole. paced the length of the carm 4 th floor bathroom and

monologued for 34 straight minutes. love her so much it can’t be of this world. she asked me if i was high and i told

her i didn’t think so. went into the stairwell to talk and thought i felt my skin prickle just the tiniest bit. went to bed

at 7am. woke up and dug deeper into my bed. woke up at 10am and could barely feel my body. thought i was having

some sort of molly hangover until i realized i was actually just starting to roll. snapped danny, chopper, keilah,

nicole, sean, colin. texted nicole, keilah, allie, chopper. sean and colin both sent back a picture of them making the

exact same face, twins. colin asked me if i’d had anything to eat. allie was the first one to respond after that. said we

could be the last 2 people on earth. sent me poems she’d been saving. told me it was time to reread lettuce. “a great

hope / in how, in the morning, for a moment, your body barely / belongs to you lettuce” was particularly a lot. also

“i feel it all” from that picture on twitter. didn’t read letter to my grandnephew, but thought about “life is

astonishingly beautiful. happyness is easy. i love you.” from other poems allie sent: “kidnapping u and keeping u

hidden in a large shirt / kissing u then / living together hidden in a large shirt” (from a poem by louis packard); “so

please take these pictures and post them onto the proper social medias / before i melt / i need my brand to prosper”

(from a poem called “if my room smells like sadness and weed it’s because i’ve been sad and smoking weed”);

“went went went / found a cave / lived in it / ate french-fried stalactites / studied darknessology” (from a poem by

someone who spells her name the same way emilie does); “1. There is a lot of room in my mouth.” & “12.

Sometimes I feel so close to strawberries.” & “15. Driving alone is often an occasion to contemplate freedom.” &

“18. Sunflower on the overpass.” & “19. On Sundays, I feel most in debt.” & “31. I am snow. / 32. I am Tuesday. /

33. I am the Constitution of Finland.” & “72. What I learned at school. / 73. What I learned in the rain. / 74. What I

learned with my tongue.” & “100. The hummingbird in my heart says hello” (from something by nick sturm, of

course and always). from texts i sent to nicole: whose body am i in right now? / is it mine? please promise me it’s

mine // okay nicole i just want you to know / this isn’t just the drugs but it’s some of the drugs but my heart feels

like it’s literally overflowing with love right now / like when i picture my heart it looks like some cartoonish

diseased thing / with just green slime seeping out of it / i love you so much // i can’t wait to protect you // i like my

retainer / it makes the inside of my mouth feel secure / i would like to make you feel that way // washing my face

was so weird nicole whose hands are these // nicole WHOSE BODY IS THIS / where did it come from / someone

come claim it // i have no memory of having nurtured this body for 19 years dude / nurtured is the wrong word for

what i put it through tbh / but like who did this // please please please come hold me / nicole i want to bury myself

inside you and read poems until i die / do i need to graduate college to do that? // nicole whose body is this where

did it come from / please come hold it / please come claim it it’s yours for the taking // WHERE DID MY BODY

COME FROM // nicole / please own me / im so mad that mine collar sold out / i want to wear it always / i am no

one else’s / i’m barely my own / nicole come take me please / can we get some kind of fucked up or be as sober as

possible and stick n poke each other / or just you to me / can you please put something permanent on me with your

own hands // i’m going to be sick / whose body is this / please tattoo me / please hold me forever while i read things

/ would it be weird if i had you choke me and got tattoos of the imprints of your fingers / asking for a friend // i want

to get tattooed right now / by you / and also of your body / i feel like if i have a picture of your body on my body i

won’t disscociate so much / it’ll be like a reminder / whose body is tis? oh, right, this body is that body’s / as in i

belong to you / nicole. a poem i sent to nicole last night, called “on my way to work”: “looking forward / to the past

few weeks / overcast confusing me / at moments i believed / i was still / on the west coast.” what i said to chopper

when i went downstairs to bring her conditioner and body wash: “today was one of the best days of my life.”

something to the effect of what chopper told me when she read some of those texts: oh, i also text people to tell them

how much i love them when i’m on drugs. because it seems like it isn’t a calculated move but it’s the most

calculated move. and they’ll just think, oh, she must mean it because she’s on molly. what i told chopper: i tell

nicole how much i love her a thousand times a day. i said those things because i felt them very acutely. i liked the

ways i was able to say them because of the drugs. missed my mom. missed my dad. looked at pictures of all the

doodles my mom has sent me lately. thought about the gel marker cards she used to put in my lunchbox. looked at

all the headlines my dad puts on his facebook posts. called my dad. went to tdc, talked to rhea, thought about how

beautiful cat is. loved kate, loved bruno. danced like a rabid dog. felt very grateful for tufts even though i didn’t do

my homework. thought about object permanence a lot in the shower. doomed to always miss something. but there’s

something good everywhere so blessed to maybe never have to miss all of the things at once.